Attention, holiday shoppers! Especially you, stragglers and foot-draggers. Salvation has come in the form of the NBA Store's December Catalog, where you'll find your favorite team's logo slapped on everything from onesies to whiskey glasses. Of course, you could get something sensible like a pair of shorts or an NBA-branded compression sleeve, but why do that when you could throw away both money and good will on the following officially-licensed travesties?
What follows is no mere hater's guide. For each mistake-in-waiting I mock mercilessly, I'll attempt to steer you towards a more appropriate and cost-effective means of spreading holiday cheer. It's the principle of Good-to-Better applied to Christmas. It's how Pop would shop.
Ugly Sweater $64.95
My, how quickly the ugly sweater party has moved from niche to mainstream. If you're one of the unfortunate many who've had a U.S.P. forced upon you, you know the correct response is to go down to the Salvation Army and drop $6 on whatever woven atrocity most resembles the Griswold house, an aggressive strain of bacteria, or the surface of Jupiter. The solution is not to spend $65 mocking your own team with a sweater that, on balance, is barely even ugly enough to qualify as a joke. (Unless you actually get the Knicks sweater. There's no way to make that pretty.)
Instead, you should buy...